05-10-05

Analyze that!

 

I have a lot of difficulties expressing myself nowadays. I’m not sure why. Perhaps because Dutch is such a huge part of me. And because all of me is kind of locked up inside myself. Every single fiber and pore seems stuffed. Stuffed with negative information. A fed up feel.

 

I’m definitively fed up with it. “It” being everything. Staying at home without a job, feeling quite the useless child. Needing money but not being able to do anything without it. More importantly it appears that I’m not capable to do something ábout it.

 

Perhaps I just have to mellow down. Soften my expectations and my goals. But where do you stand when you lower your standards. You have to have something useful and important to work to. You have to have your eye set on things that are right for you. Special to you.

 

Like, in my case it’s ‘my own place’. Goodness me, there is seriously nothing else that drives me. That steers me in finding a job. Living by myself without the issues concerning my folks and brothers. Just me. Sounds a bit selfish? Well, I kind of think it isn’t. Necessary. That’s what it is. I really need to feel: this is what I’m working for. It helps me appreciate it more.

 

And I know the reaction: “what are you going to do all by yourself? You’re going to get lonely and miserable.” I bet those critics see me ending up whit a whole bunch of cats and kittens. Well I’m not saying it isn’t possible. Anything goes. So on those terms: happiness, approval, well-being, relief and rest aren’t unattainable.

 

 

Hmm. It’s funny. All of these words were stashed up inside of me. Just willing to get out. Over the barriers. But by some means, or in some deviating way, they only got out when I turned to my Anglosaxon mentality. How is it that all of these thoughts can’t be expressed in my own language? Any thoughts on that matter?

 

Is it possible that when it concerns ‘the whole you’ – meaning your ego, your own whole self – your mother tongue is something too close to that life which you are trying to understand? I need to be a spectator to my life, so I need to step into another character. Is that it? Oh what the heck. Why trying to analyze it. I’m just glad it’s working. And hopefully after a few of my Anglosaxon sessions I’m patched up again.



13:13 Gepost door [NeCo] | Permalink | Commentaren (2) |  Facebook |

Commentaren

Great! Hey Neco,

Beschouw dit niet als een verwijt, maar ik begrijp je zo veel beter als je Engels schrijft dan wanneer je je in het Nederlands uitdrukt.

Keep at it, lassie!

Gepost door: Herman | 05-10-05

Thanks Dat is absoluut geen verwijt hoor. Bedankt voor het compliment.

Greets, NeCo

Gepost door: NeCo | 05-10-05

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